Traveling down this road
Watching the signs as I go
Going home to Long Island is always a mixed bag of emotions for me, and with each trip, I learn more and more about myself and the life I left behind. The lessons I’m learning are not easy ones to learn, but I am starting to realize now that these experienes I’ve been having during my visits there are a necessary part of settling into my new life here in Philly. I had quite an eventful trip to New York this week, and in the end, the reunions I had and the ones that never materialized are all a part of an understanding that I need to develop and get me moving forward. Both the highlights and the lowlights of this particular trip brought me clarity and confidence, and as I drove back into Philly late last night, more than ever before, I felt comfort that I am indeed home.
Clarity and letting go
At one point during my stay on Long Island, my friend Rich remarked that I come home a lot. He said this in response to something I had said about feeling like I have to call this one or that one every time I come to let them know that I am coming. What he said bothered me, because it was true. I noted how some get offended when I come and don’t tell them I’m home, yet I still reach out whenever I come. In his usual way of throwing clarity my way, he reminded me that many of these same people haven’t made much of an effort themselves to reach out to me, much less visit me. I owe them nothing, really.
Of course, he was right. One of the reasons I chose Philly was that it is relatively close to NY, hence my frequent jaunts home. If you time it right, it’s not really a bad ride, and of course I expected to visit NY more often than I would get visitors here, but it does give me pause to think. I am here in Philadelphia for 8 months now, and I can count on one hand how many visits I’ve gotten from friends. I understand that it was I who left them, but in reality this move has shown me who truly considered me a friend and who didn’t. Conversations with another friend really brought it home…
One of my friends that I did get to see when I was in Long Island was my wise old Asian princess sage Yoda buddy, Laura Kim. Like Rich, she’s got a knack for throwing some much-needed wisdom my way when I need it. Even before this visit, she had reinforced for me something I already knew, but need reminding of. It concerned friendships. You see, I’ve always been a bit naive where friendships are concerned. I genuinely like people, and I enjoy being around people. I usually expect others to react to me in the same way I would normally react to them, but as we all know, that is not always the case.
Laura Kim once likened friendships to branches on a tree. While every branch has the potential to grow strong and prosper for years, others simply wither and fall off, eventually becoming twigs for kindling. In my naivete, I always given others the benefit of the doubt, and whenever I am shown some form of friendship from a person, I often mistake it for what it is not. I’ve had several people in my life who I thought were my friends, only to be left in the dust, without warning or apparent reason, and leaving me feeling sad and a little empty. The sensitive part of me has always taken it to heart, and affected my psyche in negative ways. I say no more!
Moving away has revealed several of these relationships to me, and this latest visit to Long Island has made that even clearer. I realize now that none of these people were true friends, but simply twigs that withered away and fell off of my tree. It’s up to me now to burn up that kindling, accept it, let go, and not let it bother me any longer. My only clear choice from here is not to hold anger, but to simply put these former ‘acquaintences’ in disguise in the rearview mirror and move on. Those who were never really my friends don’t deserve to have me in their lives and they are no longer worthy of my attention. This makes me sad, but I know we’ve all got our own roads to follow and that’s just the way it is.
Confidence and the Bright Side
As I said earlier, this latest visit home brought me both clarity and confidence. Those who jumped at the chance to see me this week brought me great joy, and I enjoyed spending some good, quality time with them. I had the opportunity to go to a pride fundraiser, something that was very rare when I lived there, but seeing so many people in the community who I hadn’t seen in so long reminded me of the person I was in my best of times. It showed me that I did have a presence within the community, a little romantic clout, and it gave me the confidence to start formulating my presence here in Philly. I honestly feel a renewed sense of confidence and I am optimistic for the first time in a long time.
So here I sit, at my coffee shop in Philly, and I am home. I believe that I needed to go back to the island to find this clarity and this confidence, and now I can start digging myself out of this lonely hole I’d settled into over the winter and get out there and start living my best Philly life. From now on, whenever I go back home for a visit, I will go with a fresh mindset, coupled with lower expectations. I’m traveling down my own road, and paying attention to those signs. Stay tuned.
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